Unhealthy Cravings...

           **My "Critic's Choices" are not finished yet--- they'll return shortly!!**

So, when you hear the words... "I'm really craving (whatever) ...," what "type" of people first come to mind??  For me, it's pregnant women. I think of the "pickles and ice cream," or "brownies with mustard," or "I needed a strawberry slush... like RIGHT NOW." As comical and somewhat sweet as it is, hearing these phrases, is sometimes really hard for me.  This is a subject I try to avoid as much as possible.  Most of the time, I do GREAT with the fact that I have no children.  Other times... not so much.  There are those moments (like right now) when I start desiring one so very badly.  Or, craving, if you will.  Unless you've sat in this seat... you can honestly have no idea.
I don't think I've ever spoken these words to anyone... or even said them  aloud while praying... although they echo in my heart quite often.  What if something's wrong?  What if I never have a beautiful baby of my very own?  What if I never get to caress the little faces I've dreamed about?  What if no adorable little girl or precious little boy calls me Mommy? Can I bear it if I never get to watch my daughter splash water all over the kitchen floor as she helps me do the dishes?  Will I ever get to stare thankfully out the window as I watch my little man play ball with his daddy?  These questions torture me from time to time... and it hurts. Bad.  This is such an unpleasant and personal subject with me, that I've tried to shrug it off like it just doesn''t matter everytime someone asks that question, "Any news yet???" or "When are you all going to have a little one???"  or "Where's my grandbaby???"  It KILLS me.  I know they mean no harm-- but seriously??
I can honestly say, right now, things are fine.  I'm trying so hard to trust the Lord... I know He knows best.  I really do. And I'm incredibly thankful that God has given Aaron and I this time to share with each other.  We've gotten so close!  We've been able to go back to school to fulfill a dream in our hearts.  And we have so much fun!... the list really could go on.  But it seems like, even when I try to tell others of our busy schedule, or our goals in life that keep me pushing past it with a smile... I hear, "Well, as a mom it's just as busy..." and "Well, if you ever have kids you'll see that..." and "At least you get more sleep that I do..."  and so much more can be said.  Again, I know it's all in complete innocence... and so I get angry at no one because of it. Still, those words pierce my heart every time.  The first thing that pops in my mind is... You're right.  I'm just as swamped with the cares of life without the joy of a little one running around and the fulfillment of being a parent. And when it comes to the sleep part- that might be true... I know I'm not up taking care of sick babies or crying toddlers... but sometimes I can't sleep because of the ache in my own heart due to the silence and my empty arms.  It's harder than a lot of people realize.
I'm not sharing this story for sympathy. Promise!! I don't need it.  My life is still amazing inspite of this sad fact.  I still laugh every day, have an absolutely wonderful husband to share my every moment with, and my friends, family, and goals for this life are unbelievable.  I just thought it might help me forever conquer the battle in my mind.  I try to hide so much... and sometimes, we just need to let it out.
About three and half years ago there was a little situation that occurred... I thought I might be expecting... and I wasn't.  For the sake of time and personal reasons I won't go into details.  Anyways... during this time we did visit the specialist who told us everything was fine.  No problems... All was just as it should be... and I was oh so thankful. Yet after that... it's like I started noticing things that "used to not be like this."  Which made my faith waiver a time or two.  It still sometimes causes me to "wonder why."  It really just doesn't make any sense.  It's been 5 years... and nothing's happened????
However, through this, as hard as it is at times JUST NOT UNDERSTANDING... there's a peace that God puts in my heart every time it starts to hurt. And that peace also PASSETH UNDERSTANDING.  And that overrides anything that might feel wrong.
I don't know what will happen.  I have no idea.  It's up to Him.  It's almost funny though... because through this, I've gotten more zealous about life.  I'm using this time to get my Masters in Education in hopes of one day running (and possibly starting) a Christian School.  Aaron's going for Psychology with the intentions of being able to counsel families and teens centered around the Word.  Maybe that's what this is all about?  Maybe God saw down in the deepest depths of our souls and saw what we wanted to do- and He saw what He COULD do with our lives- and this is just one step in our journey to doing amazing things through Him!  I started writing this post feeling pretty sad- and yet now, again, I feel so joyful and peaceful inside.  My God is good like that!  I do believe God will bless me with children at just the right time.  He will give me the desires of my heart!  It's a promise in His Word that I plan to cling to.  And until that time comes, I've just gotta believe He's ordering our steps for some incredible purpose!!  God only has three answers that He gives:  1) Yes.  2) Wait.  3) I've got something much better in mind.  I like those answers. 
So- even if you're not struggling with the same "craving" I am, you may have one of your own. That thing that enters your head and builds a dwelling place there- just so it can linger and taunt you when life's at its best.  Don't let it. -- Desires are okay.  They're safe--. But when you begin to crave- your spirit will lose control, flesh will take over, and your faith will grow extremely weak.  These are not the qualities of an equipped, successful worker of the Lord!  Let the craving go.  Sometimes we think of cravings as things that can't be satisfied until you get what it is you're craving.  NOT TRUE, my friend.  Think with me here, If you've been craving a McDonald's coke all day- if for some reason you can't get it- and a pepsi from Taco Bell will have to suffice, after so many cups-  eventually that craving for the coke will subside. 
With that being said-  when an "unhealthy" craving overtakes you-  get full on something else!... Jesus!  He always fills the void and quenches the soul.  I don't know how.  I don't have to.  I just know it works.  When He fills me up inside with His sweet joy and precious faith, and when I'm just overwhelmed by His comfort, I don't have room to crave anything that would make me sad or wanting.
I'm so thankful that the Lord not only fills those that hunger and thirst for righteousness... but He will also fill those that crave things unhealthy for their spirit, and "stuff 'em" with HIS peace.  Wow.
The only thing I'll never get full of -- is Him.  I'll want a closer relationship with Him every day.  And that's a craving I never want to go away.