Humble Pie

Has anyone ever heard the saying, "They need to eat some humble pie?" In Kentucky, where I'm proudly from, it's an old one. As easy as it is to point out someone else's need for humility, noticing your own need for a piece, comes a little harder. 

When referring to pride, I know the first thing that usually pops into our brains is arrogance, hatefulness, and "I'm better than you-ness."  In this case, I'm talking about the pride in which it kills you to leave your comfort zone because of your fear of failure. I mean the pride that keeps you from stepping out and doing exactly what God wants for your life, because you're unsure of the response you'll get from everyone else around you.  That's the pride I'm thinking of... and that's the pride I had.

I never noticed it before a month or so ago.  Honestly.  Up to that point I had always masked it as just trying to be smart or weighing my options.  If that didn't fit the scenario, I then pulled my hurt or lack of self confidence out of the bag, and tried to throw that around.  I think the Lord was getting tired of it. Actually, I have no doubts.

I was home from work doing my thing... cleaning, laundry, figuring out what to make for dinner...  and I felt this overwhelming sense of discontent.  Not an unthankful sort, but an "I'm really missing out on something" kind.  I knelt down to pray almost instantly.  I asked God to please lead us and guide us.  Give us favor.  Use us however He needed to bring glory to His name. I read Scriptures about Abraham "going... without knowing whither he went..."  I heard songs about God leading a frightened, stuttering Moses back to Egypt to deliver His people.  I felt that God was about to make some major changes in my life...  and I got scared?  No.  Prideful.  But God, I don't know if I could handle this.  I don't know what others will think.  What if it doesn't bring about some magnificent thing and people think we're just young and dumb?  What if we get no support?  When will it work out?  How will it work out?  I asked a ton of questions that didn't deserve an answer.  And God, being God, knew that... and He offered none.

About a week or so later, a missionary came to our church.  I love and respect missionaries beyond words.  Major sacrifices, for the cause of Christ...  that's commendable and admirable.  But, I was really needing God to speak to me... and knowing that the service was probably going to be about the work going on in another country... I didn't think it was going to happen.  (Again, notice the pride...  I thought God had to do it a certain way...  Wow.)  Yet, when this man began to speak, I knew it was going to be different than I had come expecting.

The message was regarding the Apostle Paul.  A brief foundation was given about the amazing conversion of Saul- to Paul,  the obstacles he faced, and the lives he won for Jesus.  Towards the middle of the sermon, the objective changed.  He started focusing on Paul and the time he felt compelled to go to Rome. He stressed how different ones were telling him not to go because he would surely be killed.  And in one portion of Scripture it points out that the Holy Ghost even spoke to him to let him know he would be put in jail if he went.  Yet Paul knew in His heart Rome is where God wanted him.  

The missionary made a comment that He could just picture Paul sitting in prison writing that letter to Timothy, while others back in other lands were talking about how Paul "just missed it."  Saying things like, "If he would've just stayed here...  If he would have just not gone to Rome... If he would have just done what we all thought, he'd be doing so much for God, and instead, he's stuck in some jail... doing nothing."  At that moment, I saw Paul as a human.  Not just as THE Apostle Paul who wrote most of the New Testament... but Paul, the man.  I realized right there in service that Paul had to eat some humble pie.  He was willing to do what God wanted him to do, despite everyone's comments of defeat.  He went to Rome to bring glory to the Most High, ended up in prison, and even wrote about people not visiting him there.  He talked about being cold and lonely, and he asked Timothy to bring him his coat... before winter.  Those, seemingly minor, details spoke wonders to me.  He felt the same pain, the same confusion, even the same coldness we do.  And he was willing to suffer it! Thank God, Paul gave his all.  If Paul hadn't been placed in jail, a guard would not have been saved and we wouldn't have all the soul piercing letters he wrote to the churches of his time.  I opened my Bible and noticed all the highlighted areas throughout Ephesians and Philippians, and 1st and 2nd Timothy.  All those verses had either helped encourage or convict my heart at some point in my life.  Although we see the reason for Paul's inprisonment now, back in his day, people lost respect for him, because in their eyes, He was doing nothing.

God spoke to me.  Never doubting His love, I felt His chastisement as well.  I had to let go of the pride of what others might think of us, if we follow God into a place they don't understand.  I had to quit saying no because of the fear of failure and disappointment.  I had to leave my comfort zone; surrender my all.

What's crazy awesome, is that as soon as I was willing to do that- God began to show me things.  We had doors open that same week, that we would have never dreamed of.  Seriously.  It's like they came from out of nowhere.  We got calls from people that we respected immensely, and yet never really got close to... and they called us because "they had been thinking about us."  After talking with them we were stunned to learn that they had went through almost, to the T, the exact same thing we were being dealt with about.  They encouraged us so much by sharing with us a verse that God had given them a year ago from the book of Psalms.  "Thou hast led me in a plain path."  The prayer of our hearts.  Someone else was where we are, God led them, and He would lead us.

Within a week's time, four people we have highly looked up to called us to give us words of encouragement... having no clue what it was we were even praying about.  God's confirmation is so surreal.  And it's so sweet.  I am so excited to see what God does with us in 2012.  Although the unknown is always a little scary, I won't be holding on to pride anymore.  I hope, if anything,  I could encourage someone out there to let go and let God.  Don't miss out on your time to make a difference, according to His will, because of things that don't matter.  It's just not worth it. Realize it's pride... it's sin... and it's causing you to miss out on God's greatness.  I had to eat a piece of that humble pie, and much to my surprise, it wasn't that bad.

Just a Little Something to Nibble On

*****Working for an eye dr- I see people lose their sight more often than others. I see the fear when you inform them they have a disease that could potentially blind them. I sense the hesitance when you tell them surgery on the eye would make them see clearer. I see them stubbornly refuse because they're afraid of possibly losing the sight they have NOW. They don't realize they can see even better!! They've gotten so used to their view they've had forever, anything different, well, just has to be worse. On the other hand, I see those that do get treated, and vision is restored. They smile and laugh, and point at things they didn't realize "were so bright blue!" Its amazing. Makes me even more thankful to JESUS for opening my eyes! I once was blind... BUT NOW... I CAN SEE!!*****

This is a facebook status I posted yesterday- and the thought has stuck with me.  I am overwhelmingly thankful for: #1- Jesus' sacrifice and #2- God's grace.  It's so humbling to think that the Creator of this world knows every awful thing about me... and STILL cares about me, forgives me, uses me, and believes in me enough to bear His name. What an unconditional love.

I remember something that happened a couple months back.  I was at work...  It had been a long and eventful day.  Everybody's nerves seemed to be frazzled.  We had been short handed, had several grumpy patients, and it seemed like everyone of us made one mistake or another that day.  Some people were literally on the verge of tears, others were griping, and some, like me, were just silent and obviously tense. Then, the office television (which had been on all day- and completely ignored by all employees) suddenly got my attention.  I could hear the sobering sound of bagpipes bellowing beautifully the melody of "Amazing Grace."  Beyond all my control, tears began to fill my eyes.  Instant peace flooded my soul.  As the soloist began to sing, and a few saw my tears, everyone else that was still in the office stopped and watched-  and listened.  Really listened.  As each stanza was completed you could hear sighs and a few gentle laughs.  When the first chorus was repeated to end the song, I said aloud, "Isn't it just awesome how the thought of the amazingness of God's grace can cover a multitude of frustrations?  And better yet... a multitude of sins!" 

I was so convicted and refreshed at the same time.  Convicted because I was JUST NOW remembering that verse in the Bible, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee."  Why is it that we let POINTLESS things take over our thoughts for any amount of time.  Just a few minutes is too long!  We must remember God's blessings outweigh any bad thing we think we may endure. 

Then I was refreshed... because I knew, I had found God's grace.  I had experienced it.  Grace is a gift He gave, and I accepted.  I'm thankful that when I was lost, He sought me and He found me!  And after years of living in darkness, He allowed me to see His light and the beauty that comes when living for Him.  I was blind.  Now, (thank God) I see.

Grace.  Grace.  God's grace.

Grace that will pardon and cleanse within.

Grace.  Grace. God's grace.

Grace that is greater than all my sin.

Unhealthy Cravings...

           **My "Critic's Choices" are not finished yet--- they'll return shortly!!**

So, when you hear the words... "I'm really craving (whatever) ...," what "type" of people first come to mind??  For me, it's pregnant women. I think of the "pickles and ice cream," or "brownies with mustard," or "I needed a strawberry slush... like RIGHT NOW." As comical and somewhat sweet as it is, hearing these phrases, is sometimes really hard for me.  This is a subject I try to avoid as much as possible.  Most of the time, I do GREAT with the fact that I have no children.  Other times... not so much.  There are those moments (like right now) when I start desiring one so very badly.  Or, craving, if you will.  Unless you've sat in this seat... you can honestly have no idea.
I don't think I've ever spoken these words to anyone... or even said them  aloud while praying... although they echo in my heart quite often.  What if something's wrong?  What if I never have a beautiful baby of my very own?  What if I never get to caress the little faces I've dreamed about?  What if no adorable little girl or precious little boy calls me Mommy? Can I bear it if I never get to watch my daughter splash water all over the kitchen floor as she helps me do the dishes?  Will I ever get to stare thankfully out the window as I watch my little man play ball with his daddy?  These questions torture me from time to time... and it hurts. Bad.  This is such an unpleasant and personal subject with me, that I've tried to shrug it off like it just doesn''t matter everytime someone asks that question, "Any news yet???" or "When are you all going to have a little one???"  or "Where's my grandbaby???"  It KILLS me.  I know they mean no harm-- but seriously??
I can honestly say, right now, things are fine.  I'm trying so hard to trust the Lord... I know He knows best.  I really do. And I'm incredibly thankful that God has given Aaron and I this time to share with each other.  We've gotten so close!  We've been able to go back to school to fulfill a dream in our hearts.  And we have so much fun!... the list really could go on.  But it seems like, even when I try to tell others of our busy schedule, or our goals in life that keep me pushing past it with a smile... I hear, "Well, as a mom it's just as busy..." and "Well, if you ever have kids you'll see that..." and "At least you get more sleep that I do..."  and so much more can be said.  Again, I know it's all in complete innocence... and so I get angry at no one because of it. Still, those words pierce my heart every time.  The first thing that pops in my mind is... You're right.  I'm just as swamped with the cares of life without the joy of a little one running around and the fulfillment of being a parent. And when it comes to the sleep part- that might be true... I know I'm not up taking care of sick babies or crying toddlers... but sometimes I can't sleep because of the ache in my own heart due to the silence and my empty arms.  It's harder than a lot of people realize.
I'm not sharing this story for sympathy. Promise!! I don't need it.  My life is still amazing inspite of this sad fact.  I still laugh every day, have an absolutely wonderful husband to share my every moment with, and my friends, family, and goals for this life are unbelievable.  I just thought it might help me forever conquer the battle in my mind.  I try to hide so much... and sometimes, we just need to let it out.
About three and half years ago there was a little situation that occurred... I thought I might be expecting... and I wasn't.  For the sake of time and personal reasons I won't go into details.  Anyways... during this time we did visit the specialist who told us everything was fine.  No problems... All was just as it should be... and I was oh so thankful. Yet after that... it's like I started noticing things that "used to not be like this."  Which made my faith waiver a time or two.  It still sometimes causes me to "wonder why."  It really just doesn't make any sense.  It's been 5 years... and nothing's happened????
However, through this, as hard as it is at times JUST NOT UNDERSTANDING... there's a peace that God puts in my heart every time it starts to hurt. And that peace also PASSETH UNDERSTANDING.  And that overrides anything that might feel wrong.
I don't know what will happen.  I have no idea.  It's up to Him.  It's almost funny though... because through this, I've gotten more zealous about life.  I'm using this time to get my Masters in Education in hopes of one day running (and possibly starting) a Christian School.  Aaron's going for Psychology with the intentions of being able to counsel families and teens centered around the Word.  Maybe that's what this is all about?  Maybe God saw down in the deepest depths of our souls and saw what we wanted to do- and He saw what He COULD do with our lives- and this is just one step in our journey to doing amazing things through Him!  I started writing this post feeling pretty sad- and yet now, again, I feel so joyful and peaceful inside.  My God is good like that!  I do believe God will bless me with children at just the right time.  He will give me the desires of my heart!  It's a promise in His Word that I plan to cling to.  And until that time comes, I've just gotta believe He's ordering our steps for some incredible purpose!!  God only has three answers that He gives:  1) Yes.  2) Wait.  3) I've got something much better in mind.  I like those answers. 
So- even if you're not struggling with the same "craving" I am, you may have one of your own. That thing that enters your head and builds a dwelling place there- just so it can linger and taunt you when life's at its best.  Don't let it. -- Desires are okay.  They're safe--. But when you begin to crave- your spirit will lose control, flesh will take over, and your faith will grow extremely weak.  These are not the qualities of an equipped, successful worker of the Lord!  Let the craving go.  Sometimes we think of cravings as things that can't be satisfied until you get what it is you're craving.  NOT TRUE, my friend.  Think with me here, If you've been craving a McDonald's coke all day- if for some reason you can't get it- and a pepsi from Taco Bell will have to suffice, after so many cups-  eventually that craving for the coke will subside. 
With that being said-  when an "unhealthy" craving overtakes you-  get full on something else!... Jesus!  He always fills the void and quenches the soul.  I don't know how.  I don't have to.  I just know it works.  When He fills me up inside with His sweet joy and precious faith, and when I'm just overwhelmed by His comfort, I don't have room to crave anything that would make me sad or wanting.
I'm so thankful that the Lord not only fills those that hunger and thirst for righteousness... but He will also fill those that crave things unhealthy for their spirit, and "stuff 'em" with HIS peace.  Wow.
The only thing I'll never get full of -- is Him.  I'll want a closer relationship with Him every day.  And that's a craving I never want to go away.